November Warrior – Carole

November Warrior – Carole

Hello, and welcome to my November Warrior of the Month post! This beauty reached out to me on Instagram wanting to share her story with you guys. She’s been through so much and I’m so glad she is still here with us today after going through some really dark times.

Depression is a fickle bitch. It hit me like a bus full of convicted felons, careening out of control.
The aftermath of that crash was the direct result of those evil..things wreaking havoc on my
life. I don’t really remember much from the Pre-Depression days, except for having two loving
parents. A sister I (shouldn’t have) idolized. A kickass dog or two thrown in the mix. To other
people we probably seemed like the perfect family and for the most part we were. There was
always unconditional love and we never wanted for anything. Then the prison bus crashed.
Murderers, drug dealers and rapists. All those bad things just scattered into the darkness.
Laying in wait to attack me when I least expected it. If only I could have predicted my own future
back then, maybe I would have tried harder to end it. Just set off on that last journey into the
cold abyss… even now I’m bundling up, trying not to let the icy depths pull me back under.
I spent so many years in that frigid, numb state emotionally and physically. I couldn’t remember
how to feel anymore. The first time I remember feeling something again was when I met my
first boyfriend at age 14. I got bored of him soon after but the damage was already done. I was
hooked on that tiny sliver of warmth he provided. Lost my virginity at 15 and proceeded to leave
a long line of broken hearts behind me. I didn’t know how to care about me, so why would I care
about them and their feelings? For the next year I played with the boys in school. Made them
fight for my attention, rewarded the good boys and let the bad ones do things to me I won’t
repeat on the internet. When I finally did drugs for the first time when I was 16, that’s when the
convicts started emerging from the shadows.
Partying, doing drugs, staying out all night in the woods sounds like wonderful time to a
teenager. Until your best friends 21 year old brother and his friends crash the party. Let’s just say
my last clear memory from that night is getting yanked out into the woods by a force I couldn’t
fight. The rest is history. You would have thought I had learned my lesson at that point but nope..
i spiraled. More drugs, more sex. People calling me a slut, bitch and all kinds of names. But
jokes on them, I called myself those names so often they just joined in and became a swirling
vortex inside me, hell bent on destruction. I started cutting myself and burning myself trying to
feel something. I was so desperate for anything other than the absolute agony of nothingness I
constantly experienced. I was out of control.
That’s when I discovered online dating and unknowingly met my second rapist. I’ll spare you the
details, but after that my soul was just obliterated. A couple years and lots of therapy later I was
in an okay place. In a stable, long term relationship and graduating college. I was really happy,
until my family decided to move to another country and I chose to stay behind. Well, the prison
bus came back with such force it completely annihilated my relationship. I ate more, he drank
more. I cried more, he drank more and we finally pulled the plug on our relationship 2 years past
the expiry date. The relationship rot was suffocating. Now my self esteem was broken along
with my scale. I had gained almost 100lbs in 2 years and for the next 4 I battled with my weight,
my mind and my disgust with myself. Swiping on Tinder, cruising POF, craving that warmth and
attention I knew I deserved but still couldn’t care enough to give myself. And that’s when I met
him. No, not the happily ever after kind of him. Life wasn’t done fucking me yet. That my dear friends, is when I met the murderer. I had dated sociopaths and probably a handful of psychopaths by this point in my life, but this man took the cake. Sitting beside me on his couch with a steak knife clutched in his meaty palm. Eyes boring holes into me, telling me how lovely my blood would look decorating his living room. That night I thought to myself ‘well, if I’m going to die here like this, it probably serves me right.’ I deserved to be the sad news story of a young woman found hacked to pieces in a burnt up apartment building. You could probably imagine a thousand scenarios on how that night played out, but you would be wrong every time. I’m believe my actions that night saved my life. My dumb brain froze and I started laughing at him, told him he’d never get away with it and went back to watching our movie and that was that. But boy, did that night ever change me. There are so many steps I took to get as far away from that point in my life as possible. I changed jobs and eventually moved cities and can happily say I am so in love with myself and am planning on marrying the love of my life soon. I just want everyone to remember that even in the darkest, coldest times when you don’t think you can go on, please remember to laugh in Deaths face and tell that bitch to get back on the bus with all the other assholes and shove off.

 

Thank you so much Carole for sharing your story. You know, it’s not easy to come out about mental illness and the choices you’ve made because of being mentally ill. I truly value each and every one of my Warriors and applaud them for being so brave and sharing their past, present, and future with not only myself, but my readers.

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One Reply to “November Warrior – Carole”

  1. You are a true warrior and survivor. Thank you for sharing your story. Always remember that you are worthy and deserving of love. Never let anyone make you believe otherwise.

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