The Reality of Mental Illness Part 2

The Reality of Mental Illness Part 2

Hey folks! It’s time for some more realities of suffering from mental illness. We just don’t talk about the struggles enough – the worst parts of illnesses. We’re more than happy to share when we’re doing well and striving. But once the wind blows out of our sails, we become quiet. We lose our voice because we are scared that the people we love will not be there for us. Maybe they’re only there for the good times and won’t be there for the bad times. But how are we to know if we don’t try?

The topic of this mental health post is the aspect we all struggle with at times, even those without mental illness – loneliness.

I would say that I feel alone in life about 90% of the time. Even though I go to work, am married, have a social life. Crazy, right? But let me explain. You can be surrounded by a room full of people and still feel horribly and utterly alone. So alone that you feel as if nobody would care if you were here or not. While this may not be the truth, my mind likes to twist the truth into something more sinister and block me off from the people that love me. Sometimes I have nights where I break down and just feel so helpless and lost. I feel as if nobody will ever understand me or what I go through on a day to day basis. Nobody understands my pain. While the reality is that everyone goes through times like this. Mentally ill or no.

One of the route causes of dealing with this is my anxiety. It likes to feed on my insecurities and morph them into this tangible thought. These thoughts become facts to me. Nobody likes me. People think I’m a cold-hearted bitch. Nobody wants to hang out with me because of my weight – I’m embarrassing. All these things prevent me from letting people in. They hinder my ability to rely on my friends and family because they engross me so wholly. There is never any room for positive thoughts or feelings during times like this. Another struggle is feeling like needing the reassurance from my loved ones makes me needy. And who likes someone who needs coddling all the time? You shouldn’t have to tell someone all the time how important they are to you and how much you love them. But for me, without this, I automatically assume I am less important than others. I believe that I am unloved and unlovable at that. Who could love someone who is so truly and deeply fucked up? If my friends hang out with other people or if I don’t hear from them for a while, I jump to the reason being that I am not treasured, and I am not a priority.

This is the reality of anxiety. This is the unfortunate brain aftermath. I know other people who go through this same issue, yet it feels so personal. It feels as if nobody could possibly begin to comprehend what goes through my head during these times. I go to such a dark place and wonder what’s the point of life without anybody there standing beside you? It is crippling to feel this way. I can’t even put into words the pain during the nights I spend crying over feeling unloved, unappreciated. While this may not be the truth, it feels as if there’s no other reason.

This was a heavy one you guys, but I had so much on my mind that I felt the need to share. Never feel worthless or alone and if anybody ever needs to “be coddled”, I am here for you. I know how it feels, what it’s like to need to reassurance and confirmation of being important.

Until next time, lovelies.

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