Update On My Mental Health Journey Part 2

Update On My Mental Health Journey Part 2

Nothing in life is easy. Sometimes we have to go through some really terrible hardships. Sometimes we need to make the tough choices. This is one of mine; I decided to quit my job. Unfortunately, I am no longer equipped to work. The last few weeks have been very eye opening for me. After taking a month off, I went back to work. At first, I was excited to get back into the real world. I felt eager. I felt as though I was ready after all this time away. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Going back to work proved to be too much for me. I started to get overwhelmed and anxious. I started to feel more stress than I had before. I fell apart… I knew that being a receptionist wasn’t something I was passionate about. It was a job to pay the bills until I could be a stay at home mom one day. What I didn’t know, was how much I would suffer mental health wise going back to a job that I wasn’t fully invested in.

The hardest part of this realization is knowing what it would mean for my marriage. I have always worked for things in my life. Since the age of 16, I have worked for everything I’ve gotten. I bought my first laptop, I paid for my own recreational activities, and I have always paid my way since moving out of my mom’s house. So, to go to a different dynamic where my husband cares for me and pays for everything is something that terrifies me and makes me feel inferior. Although I know he does not care who pays for what and we are able to make it through life without my small source of income, I worry.

Currently, I feel lost. I feel unmotivated and as if I do not know how I’ve gotten to this place in my life. It’s like getting to outer space and thinking this will be fulfilling – but then seeing this huge void in front of you. You’re not sure where to go. You feel out of place and like everything is so much bigger than you. You feel without a purpose. I’m not sure how else to describe it… I feel a void within me. Something is missing and I have not yet been able to fill it. I feel as if I am meant to discover something more within myself.

The things that make me happy are things that will make me no money – I love my art, my blog, boxing, photography, movies, literature. Where do I go from here? I have no idea. But what I do know is that I won’t find that out where I am right now, working a Monday to Saturday job that sucks the life out of me slowly. While my bosses and co workers are amazing, I cannot continue on this path any longer. I had to make this choice for myself, no matter how hard. No matter how debilitating my illness feels at this moment. I had to choose this for me and my sanity.

I know it may be hard to understand for some. Boo hoo this girl hates her job and wants to not work – who doesn’t? But it’s not the same thing as being lazy and not wanting to work. It’s a whole different dynamic than that. I feel on the verge of a break down. I know that within weeks I could end up hospitalized involuntarily if I continue on this path. That is a scary thing to admit, but it’s true. Mental health is so much more complicated than we think. I wish I could be “normal”. I wish I could go to work and feel good about myself, come home and make dinner, then do it all again the next day, But I simply can’t. My brain does not function the same way as others right now. Even with medication, I still feel as if I am not mentally stable enough to continue.

I hope to give you a positive update soon, but we will see where this journey takes me.

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