Update – Re-diagnosis, February 2019

Update – Re-diagnosis, February 2019

Well, I’m not totally sure how to begin this update. Last I posted, I was stable for months. I was feeling good and I was optimistic on where everything was going. It’s been almost a year since I was first officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The problem? I was misdiagnosed.

For years, I have not only been dishonest with medical professionals, but also myself. I have been re-diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder. For as long as I can remember, I have had a difficult time relating to the real world. I have always felt this sense of grander, if you will. I have always truly believed I am meant for something more in this life. People like me often think they should be famous – we strive to be actresses or singers. We have this sense of being meant for a bigger purpose and the world we live in feels too mundane for us. Often times, I get lost in my books because I feel I can relate more to this fantasy world than I can my own life. These big quests, these super-humans or vampires or faeries.. I feel so much more in tune with my books than I do with the world surrounding me. I have hidden this part of me and my thoughts for too long. How can I get better and improve myself when I’m not telling the whole truth?

I think the reason I have had a hard time deciding to write about this is a sense of shame and guilt. I have never meant to lie to my readers or the people who love me. I think in a lot of ways I have been in total and utter denial. I feel.. embarrassed.. I feel like there’s something seriously wrong with me most days. What kind of person identifies more with being a vampire? Someone who genuinely hopes and believes they were meant to be born in some fantasy universe as a faerie? Someone who thinks they should be saving others and is meant for fame? These are not normal thoughts to have; yet they come. Every day. And the knowledge that that will never actually be my life and that I am just an ordinary girl with a mundane life is a hard pill to swallow. I have always buried these feelings deep within myself out of fear of not being understood. Not accepted.

As much as I preach destigmatizing mental health, I feel like a fraud. When the words “Bipolar I” came out of the new psychiatrist’s mouth, I was shocked. And I won’t lie, I felt crazy. For the first genuinely real time in my life, I felt like I was insane. And it was a horrible feeling. I’ve so often said you should never be ashamed for what you struggle with and that it’s not our faults; it’s just chemistry in our bodies dictating how we act and think. After a brief moment of feeling crazy, it sunk in. And it felt.. right. It felt as if there has always been this question and it was finally answered. I felt so authentic in expressing myself to this psychiatrist and even though I still feel a little embarrassed, I’m relieved. The truth is out. Maybe I am a little crazier than most. But I’m still me at the end of the day. The way I treat people, what I enjoy, my hobbies, my love for others; none of that has changed because of my new diagnosis.

So, there it is y’all. I have Bipolar I Disorder. I am a manic depressive. I’m either way too high, or way too low. I am never really stable. I am never “evened out”. I am suicidal more often than I would like to admit to anyone. But I am doing what I can to get by. I am pushing through it and thriving every single day, continuing my fight against myself. I am back on medication and plan on continuing therapy and being more honest than I ever have been before. I am trying to rely less on drugs and alcohol, but sometimes it’s the only thing that shuts off my mind. And for now, I’m okay with it. I can only battle one thing at a time, climb one mountain at a time. I have my whole life to figure out how to manage this in a healthy way.

For anyone else who may be a little less honest with themselves; don’t be. Be truthful, be authentic, and for the love of God do NOT be embarrassed or ashamed of something that you have zero control over. We did not choose this life. All we can do is decide what to do with the cards we’ve been dealt.

Thank you, truly, for reading this post. I was hesitant to talk about it. But I felt like I had a responsibility to use my platform accordingly.

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